Demonic Nether Regions and Husbands

The weather here is evocative of satan's crotch.  i'll bet when he wakes up in the morning, it's just as hot, dank and oppressive in his groinal area as it when i wake up here in my cousin's bedroom. just a guess.
here's a short snippet of my convo with my cos before going to bed last night:

cousin: your bedspread is all set out for you.

me: thanks!

cousin: there's a blanket for you, too.

me: TCH!

cousin: what?

me: i scoff at thee, blanket! *points at blanket and scoffs*

cousin: *english equivalent of "huh?"*

me: erm, i don't need one.

cousin: you'll catch a cold.

me: bring it! i'll take anything that has the word "cold" in it.

i woke up briefly in the middle of the night and when i turned over , i saw my cousin bundled up in a huge comforter. WTF. 

gonna rewind a bit and talk about the huge, steaming pile of drama i stepped in last night. i'm still trying to scrape it off my shoe even as i type this.

my 12 hour flight was actually very smooth and uneventful; some pockets of turbulence here and there but that was to be expected. i watched 3 movies back to back (date night, red riding hood, and kung fu panda 2) and played tetris the rest of the way there so it was all good. after landing, going through immigration and customs and exchanging some cash, i found my cousin waiting for me and we got on the road to her parent's place. first it was an hour long bus-ride (which turned into 2 hours because of traffic) and then a 20 minutes taxi ride after that. by the time we stepped into the house, it was 3 hours after i had landed; i was exhausted and a little nauseous from the stop and go, jerky bus ride. we were also very wet from the short 40 feet we had to traverse between the cab and the door with my luggage in tow while it was torrentially pouring. did i mention it was hot, sticky and pouring rain? great combo.

shortly thereafter, while i was taking the coldest and most awesome shower of my life, i heard my cousin getting into a huge row with my aunt. when i thought it couldn't get worse, they started to scream at each other. the hot topic was marriage...more specifically, why my cousin had a lack of it. you see, when you're in korea and you're an unmarried woman over the age of 25, there's something horribly wrong with you.  my cousin is educated and very pretty...but she's 36 years old and single, thereby the bane of her parents' existence.

they've been setting her up with sons of friends or acquaintances for the past 3 years...sometimes 3 or 4 guys a week, if you can believe it. just thinking about that sort of schedule makes me want to crawl under a blanket (back home, not here). my cousin WANTS to get married more than anything else so it's not like she's against it or anything. but, apparently, the men she's being set up with are, in a word, losers. one straight up told her that he wanted her to support him financially. another asked her if she was still capable of becoming pregnant and if she had taken a fertility test recently. yet another told her that if she didn't want to marry him after their first date, then he didn't want to waste his time with her. all these dudes need to be falcon-punched in the back of the neck.

my cousin did find someone she was  a bit interested in and dated him for a month. unfortunately, she just broke up with him a few days ago because he had lied to her about something major. my aunt heard about it and promptly set my cousin up for another "meeting" for the following day. my cousin, still sad from the dissolution of a potential relationship, said she needed a break.  but my aunt proceeded to tell my cousin that she was being too picky and if she didn't want to get married that she should get her things and get out of the house.

this was the last straw for my cousin and, as i was stepping out of the shower, she blurted, "my mom just threw me out of the house. we're leaving and going to a hotel."

"oooookay..."

the next series of events between my aunt and cousin were right out of a korean drama. there was pushing, shoving, and yelling a scant few inches away from each other's faces with a stare-down contest thrown in for good measure. then my uncle came home. fuuuuuuuuuuu.....

my uncle is a surgeon and had been working 14 hours and had spent the last 3 hours in traffic. he was in no mood to broker any lip from my cousin whether she had a valid point or not. so when he was greeted with cat-fighting as soon as he walked in the door, he lost his sh*t, too. the chough men are a hotheaded lot and my uncle was doing a good of job proving this genetic trait correct. the fact that they were doing this sort of thing in front of me, a guest, only added to my uncle's rage. if you didn't know this already,  losing face is huge to us orientals (that one's for you, lisa).

so. there i was: sleep-deprived, exhausted, confused, having a panic attack that rivaled The Great 3am Meltdown Of 2004, and trying to keep my uncle from beating my cousin into a messy pulp. yes, corporal punishment of children by their parents is alive well here, whether the "child" is 5 or 55 years old. i suggested that i take my cousin out to cool off for a few hours and that was tacitly agreed upon by all parties. i took my laptop with me in hopes that i would get a few minutes break when my cousin invariably had to go to the bathroom so i could update everyone of my safe arrival (this did happen).

the only thing that was open at that hour was a hoity-toity bar/lounge about 10 minutes away by taxi.  korea is relatively safe but even i didn't feel comfortable with just the two of us walking around in the wee hours like that.  i wasn't in the most optimal state of mind to even attempt to fend anyone off should something like that happen so i was very uneasy. we hung out at this bar/lounge until 1am (9am PST) until she had calmed down. folks, it was so surreal.  there i was in a bar in korea that was doing its best to emulate an upscale american lounge (pretty much by charging $55 for a SINGLE GLASS of non-descript red wine) with a big white dude in a white linen suit playing perry cuomo on the grand piano a few feet away as my cousin was venting about her crazy mother and equally crazy prospective husbands. meanwhile, i was trying to update facebook about my arrival status while the theme to "the twilight zone" was weaving through the waning, yet still semi-conscious parts of my brain. 

we got back to my cousin's place 30 minutes later and i breathed a sigh of relief when i saw that all the lights were out in the house. i subsequently jumped 10 feet in the air when, out of the corner of my eye, i espied the dark outline of my aunt sitting alone on the couch in her nightgown. it was straight out of stephen king's "carrie" minus the large kitchen knife and the "they're all gonna laugh at you" mantra. apparently she was waiting up for us to make sure we got home safely. i could have done without the creepiness, though. turn a light on, woman!

so, that was my first evening in korea. good times. i am happy to report that i am less queasy and less panicky today. aside from waking up a few times to see my cousin bundled up in a comforter, which led to a few snorts of incredulity, i slept well and felt much better this morning. once i got on the internet, i chatted with my mom for a while on skype and had tons of encouraging and supportive emails to read which made my day. thanks, friends, for reaching out half a world away. i know it will get better but, man, what a way to start!

the next installment of this blog will be about today's trip to the very popular and trendy dongdaemun shopping center which will aptly be titled "skinny bitches."  and now, i'll be stepping out of starbucks and back into satan's tighty-whities.

p.s. the price of coffee (a la coffee bean or starbucks) is about 35% higher here than in the states.  starting petition to replant some rice fields with coffee beans.

p.p.s. big thanks to my mom for not aspiring to the level of marriage nazi that my aunt has achieved.