Seoul Lantern Festival and Getting Nose Raped

Before we start, I'd like to post an image of something that has been a saving grace in this pagan land....

It was sitting there on the shelf of the local store as if it had always been there, waiting for me. Who knew Korea would import this?! Regardless, who has two thumbs and is doing the happy dance? Meeeeee!!

I was looking forward to going to the Jinju Lantern Festival in...well...Jinju, last month but it's about a 5 hour train ride down there and I never found the time to go during the festival time period. Bummed me out. Then I learned that Seoul was having one of their own! Being an hour away, it was much more do-able, PLUS Becca's (co-worker) parents were in town to visit from England and it was a great opportunity to take them as well.

It was nothing like I expected. When I think "Lantern Festival," I think street vendors selling their wares, lit lanterns lining the lanes (huzzah alliteration!), and the all important ceremony of lighting your own paper lanterns, making a wish, and then setting them both off onto the river or stream to watch them float into the distance. Imagine seeing hundreds or thousands of these little lit lamps floating by, representing just as many heartfelt wishes of their casters.

Yes, those elements were there, but I wasn't expecting too see rows and rows of giant, colorful, hand-made paper lanterns set on display in the stream itself. It was a sight to behold and for a good part of the night, I was held in wonder. Here are some pictures, though they don't do the lanterns justice. They get better as it gets darker, of course....

We inadvertently started kinda backwards, meaning we were at the opposite end of the stream from where the Lanterns started so the pictures are in that backwards order.

This is Cheonggyechoen Stream in Seoul...we still had to walk a bit before we got to the area where the Lanterns were displayed. But it was a lovely walk....

So here they started...a school of brightly-lit paper fish fixed into the streambed....

So this is where it got even more interesting. The following shows a procession of nobles led by a traditional folk percussion group (Samulnori). This group was kind of like the pied-pipers of their day. If you saw them or heard them in the streets, you knew there was something important going on, be it a festival, a celebration, or the procession of VIPs....

The aristrocrats...

And where were they headed....towards this giant, paper lantern palace gate! I was so floored when I saw this. And the crowd was actually able to walk through it...

Often, at palace gate, are guardian stone lions, though these were, you guessed it, paper lanterns...

On the other side of the gate, there were lanterns representing the Royal Orchestra...

...then the Royal Guards....

 ...led by the General....

Lastly, after that incredible display of the royal court, were treated to the 12 zodiacs animals. As in the Chinese zodiac, Koreans still put a lot of weight on the year you were born (and your blood type).  Some of the animals were facing the other way so I couldn't get them all.  The Tiger (my zodiac animal) was facing the other side and was blocked so I couldn't even get a decent picture of it's back. Ah well...

The Boar...

The Dog and The Rooster...

The Monkey and the Mouse....

The Horse and the Snake....

The Rabbit...

The Ox...

This was at the end (erm...the beginning)....

And here's the start....

Oh wait, you can see the Tiger there, on the bottom right corner! lol

As much as I would have liked to have looped around to the other side, by that time in the night, the line to get along the banks of the stream was already horrendous. We counted ourselves lucky to have gotten there early and to have seen everything without waiting. Pretty neat stuff.


Onto the whole being sick thing: I CAN'T believe how many times I've been sick while in Korea. Most of my friends have seen me get one cold a year and that cold lasts about 24-48 hours tops. Then I come here and get sick 3 times in as many months. And not just sick. but SICK....like cough up a vat of mucus on a daily basis, sick. It's literally oozing out my eyes, people! That's how much crap I have percolating in me.

When this last bout began to take shape, I went into work anyway, hoping it'd just go away (yeah, silly me). My boss's wife asked me if I was getting sick again, to which I answered in the affirmative. She wondered aloud why I was getting sick so often. I stated, nonchalantly, that being around kids who sneeze and cough without covering their mouths, wipe their electric green snot on their hands (which they never wash) and then proceed to grab at you all day, may have something to do with it.

She then proceeded to give me this look like I was a cute, albeit uneducated, monkey. "Adults can't get sick from children," she said, as she patted my shoulder.

I kid you not. She believes this.

"Mrs. Moon, of course we can. It's the same germs that get passed around. It doesn't matter where it starts, it can infect anyone, child or adult."

Same, sympathetic look. "No, that may happen in America but that doesn't happen here. You never hear about mothers getting sick because of their children. Adults can make their kids sick but kids illnesses are too lightweight to affect us."

The word for ignorant in Korean is very harsh. As with many words, when translated into Korean (or any other language usually), it's never a pat, equal translation. When you call someone the word for ignorant in Korean, you not only imply their being uneducated, but you call into question their competence and social status as well. The word almost escaped my lips but I managed to stop it before I got the first syllable out. I REALLY wanted to say "What kind of voodoo, country bumpkin thinking is that?!" but "ignorant" was what came to mind first. I don't even know how to say "voodoo" in Korean. Oh wait..."BooDoo."

I had to retreat back into the teacher's lounge before I said something I'd regret. Apparently, we in America are so weak-willed, we allow our children to infect us with diseases even when they wipe it all over us or practically breathe it into our lungs. But why should that even matter when children's illnesses are too mild to even affect adults? Incredible.

Anyway, my coughing became worse and I stayed home the next two days. This morning, my boss came to pick me up to take me to another doctor, since the local one's prescription didn't really seem to be helping. This one was an ENT doctor so maybe I'd fare better in terms of a diagnosis and resulting prescription. When they called me in, I noticed something similar with the local doctor: the examining room was wide open and all patients could see each other while being checked out by the doctor or nurse. It was a like a conveyor belt of patients. The doctor was sitting on a stool with wheels and he'd just talk to a patient for 5 seconds, do something to them, then send them on their merry way while he wheeled himself to the next patient. In a matter of 10 minutes, he saw and treated 6 - 7 patients. My boss told me, proudly, that Korean doctors (private) see as many as 300 patients a day while American doctors see a measly 70.


The medical sitcom "Scrubs" had illustrated that a doctor speaks to their patients for an average of 11 seconds before moving onto the next. Our dear Dr. Thomas Kim has attested that this is actually true in real life. Apparently, in Korea, if you're talking to your patient for 11 seconds, you're doing it wrong.

The doctor asked me what was wrong and before I even finished speaking, he stuck some long instruments up one of my nostrils and proceeded to suction it out. At least, that's what I assume he was doing. Initially it was fine but he kept going deeper and deeper until it seemed like he was practically poking my brain with those things. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, especially when it's unexpected, but this hurt LIKE A MOTHER. I clenched my fists and tried not to cry like a baby. It lasted only a few seconds but it felt like hours. Then I realized that he had only done one nostril. Woe is me. My nose felt so violated and it was about to be again. There was absolutely no warning about this. He just did it. He didn't tell me that it would hurt or not hurt or what exactly the procedure was for. His only comment was, "You endured that really well." My butt was still clenched, it hurt so much. He then said that, by the sound of my cough, I should really go so an internal med doctor and get a chest x-ray done. Thanks and buh-bye. At least he didn't charge me for the nose rape.

As I was bring driven to the internal medicine doctor across town, I gave the ENT doc the benefit of the doubt: Maybe he didn't tell me what he was going to do so I wouldn't stress out and clench up over it...even though every sphincter I had in my body did clench up.

After waiting about 10 minutes in the lobby, I got called in to see the doc. I sat down and told him my medical history and what I had been dealing with in the past few days. As I was leaning over the desk, talking to the doctor, the nurse, from out of nowhere, sticks a thermometer in my ear WITHOUT ANY WARNING. I nearly jumped out of the chair. Who does that?! Who just comes up and ear rapes you while you're talking?! Korean nurses, that's who.

Everyone else seemed to think it was normal. No wonder they go through so many patients a day. They don't bother wasting time in telling you the little details -- like what they're going to stick in your body or why.  After my chest x-ray, I was told I was going to get a shot. I entered a little side room next to the front desk. This is the second time I've dropped trou this week but hey, whatever it takes, right? So I closed the door and proceeded to pull my jeans down. The door then opens and another nurse comes into to get something. I tried to close the door behind her but her ass was in the way and she wasn't budging. Meanwhile, my own butt was hanging out for all to see. "What are you doing?" asked butt-in-way-of-door nurse to the one about to administer the shot. "Just administering a shot," she replied. "I see," answered b-i-w-o-d nurse. I still can't close the door. She finally left and I got the shot but damn, no respect for privacy, man! I mean, I was kind of expecting it as a whole but just keeping the door wide open as I'm standing there with my butt-cheeks to the wind was NOT anything I was prepared for. So the tally for today was nose rape, ear rape, butt cheeks on display.

The only upside to this is the cost of healthcare here. The first local doc I saw was under my boss's insurance and the visit was $3 while the prescription drugs were about $5, so $8 total. The last two doc visits were not under insurance and they cost me a whopping, get ready for this, $25 (this is including the visit, exam, x-ray, and meds). No wonder Koreans go see their doctor for every little thing...it doesn't cost them an arm and a leg.

Anyway, grateful that no other orifices had to be violated today, I went home and took a nap and tried to have more soup even though I couldn't taste anything. After two rounds of the latest meds, I do feel a little better but it may have more to do with the western medicine that Adi slipped me during our late night drug deal (she gave me some of her stash of Nyquil and Dayquil). We'll see how this play out but, man, I think my nose and ear may need to go to therapy.

The Little Things That Make Me Happy...

Just some pics of things that have made me happy while being here so far. Whether it's foods I've missed, places that make me feel like I'm back home, or a little yawning punk whom I look forward to seeing after work each day...

Mexican food, made by Mexicanos (yes, I looked in the kitchen and asked!):

 

Jalapeños!!!1!111!!!!1!!!!

I can't tell you how much I had been pining away for a burrito. Well, actually, I think i DID tell some of you...over and over and over again. The fact that this was a 30 minute subway ride and a 20 minute walk away made it even more tasty!


Next! 

I knew I was having severe burrito withdrawals but I didn't think I wanted this food so much until I actually had it:

Chicken Tikka Masala and two orders of BUTTER Naan bread!!!11!1!!!!1

Yeeeeeaaaaah, boyyyyyyy!

On a recent trip to Everland (aka Korea's answer <read: rip off> to Disneyland), I found these...

For the past 20 years, I couldn't just walk in to a store and find pre-made Chun Li cuffs, I'd have to special order them from some cosplay joint or make them myself (yeah, THAT's gonna happen). But I found these at Everland, just hanging on a non-descript rack in their main retail store. WTF?! Regardless, even though I won't be ready with a full costume until next year, I am ecstatic that I finally have the elusive cuffs.

Next!

Going to Costco at home was just a shopping trip. Going to Costco here is a rare field trip. A 40 minute train ride and 10 minute cab ride later, I finally made it!

It's smaller than the ones at home and the aisles are not nearly wide enough to hold the masses, but it did give me a sense of hominess to see the familiar bulk items on sale. But while perusing the various items, I came across this:

I don't think I really need to add anything to that (besides the big yellow arrow and text). 

And then, I hit the jackpot:

Guess what I had for lunch today? A thick, gooey, cheese quesadilla. Am in my happy place. Since I bought this at Costco, there are 40 tortillas in the bag and the cheese will last me a month in the freezer.

Last, but not least of the things that make me happy, is this little one who welcomes me home from work by glomping onto my thigh (only when I wear jeans -- somehow she knows) or mewling excitedly until I pick her up:

All in all, these things have made me miss home a little less. Just a little.

Technology and Realizing What Part of Me Is Actually Korean

A quick word from our sponsor:

This new blog entry has been brought to you by another installment of "This Is Why I'm Here."

"Hand Made A French Bakery." Le Sigh.

We now return you to your irregularly scheduled blog:

Most of you already know that Korea is light-years ahead of us in terms of cell phone aesthetics. LG and Samsung have some of the coolest looking phones here but they won't be made available in the States for a while. When you see the newest LG or Samsung advertised on t.v., just know that the Koreans here will consider it way outdated. Why? Because they're hoarding the best stuff for their own people, that's why. Understandable, I guess. But what about other technology in which we (we, meaning Westerners) should already have access to, either by our own sheer ingenuity or by usurping/commandeering someone else's?!  I have encountered two things here that I have never seen at home and I actually marveled at them. 

Yes, I marveled.


1.) Shopping Cart Escalators - I know some of you who have two-story Targets nearby have seen the cart escalators along-side the one for people so folks can bring their shopping carts upstairs with them, instead of cramming into an elevator. It's pretty practical, innovative, and incredibly necessary (as is a two-story Target). But they're also kind of a pain -- as I recall you had to lock the cart into place and make sure it was well-fitted onto the conveyer mechanism and then you had to follow it up to make sure to get it as it approached the landing.


You know how some grocery markets have the magnetic wheel-locking mechanism at the perimeter of their store so people don't steal their shopping carts? Well, the major multi-level shops here have escalators that employ that wheel-locking thingy so that you just ride up or down WITH your cart and your cart doesn't budge on the incline/decline. Now this is even more practical, innovative, and incredibly necessary (as is a two-story Costco). Observe:

You can thank me later for those 26 seconds of your life that have just been enriched. 

I don't know about you, but when I go shopping at a ridiculously large warehouse store filled with bulk items that will take me a lifetime to use, I don't want to take forever clicking my cart into place so I can babysit it as it rides its own rickety way up, then race to get there just before it arrives to wait for it with open arms like it's a hail mary pass. No. I want it, and the goodies it's carrying, to ride comfortably with me, having the full confidence that, even if I let go of the handle, it would not skid into me or the next person or, heaven forbid, crash to the floor, thereby spilling that 72oz bottle of ketchup (3 pack, of course). 

Maybe I just hadn't gone to the right stores in California or maybe they're actually available in the mid-west somewhere, but I had never seen one of these in all my 37 years until I got here. Get on it, America!!!   

2.) Waiting-to-be-seated Pagers - You know those little beepers/pagers the host hands you sometimes when you go to a restaurant and you have to wait more than 10 minutes to be seated? The fanciest ones I've seen would light up, vibrate, maybe play a little tune, and if it was uber-awesome, you didn't have to be confined within a 20 foot radius of the place in order for the pager to work...you could go 40 feet.  


I was at a little bread and pastry joint here and they told me I had to wait a few minutes for the milk tea I had ordered along with the chocolate bread (see Aug 19 blog). No problem. Then the guy slid me his cell phone.


Errrrrm.


I looked at him funny, which he caught, then he proceeded to tell me that it would notify me when my tea and bread were ready. I took a closer look at it. It looked like a run-of-the-mill cell phone to me... but then the screen came alive and it started playing music videos and movie previews. What, what whaaaaat?!


I was transfixed. Not only was this thing going to tell me when my delectables would be ready, but it would entertain me in the process?! I was so mesmerized that I failed to take a picture of this thing. This is what they have at a pastry joint?! What do they give you at a major restaurant -- your own K-Pop star to escort you around while you shop on their dime until your table's ready?


Listen, Cheesecake Factory: When I get back and I have to wait 35 minutes to have your inhuman proportions of food, you will not hand me that little plastic square that lights up and vibrates. You will import Colin Firth so he can walk me around like I was Elizabeth Bennett until he tells me that I can order my Bang-Bang Chicken and Shrimp without further delay. If he wants to light up and vibrate whilst doing so, fine.


Moving on. I have always felt like I was more American than Korean, most of you know this. Aside from my last name, speaking a little Korean, taken Tae Kwon Do, learning to play the piano, having chinky eyes, a flat face, black hair...okay, maybe I'm more Korean than I like to let on....I have looked at the world through the eyes of an American more often than not. It wasn't until recently that I began to wonder if there was a little nugget of me that was truly Korean instead of the scattered bits of me that I recognized here and there. This was partially why I came here; to try to knit those scattered pieces together, somehow.

Instead of one unifying connection, I found something else -- something that I had never known would define me as a Korean unlike any other quality I had realized before...


My driving.


Now, before the snickering starts, let me describe how people drive around here. They are damn good drivers (except the Korean women -- apparently that stereotype is true no matter where you are). Generally, most drivers, particularly the taxi and bus drivers, are both offensive and defensive when they're on the move. They don't make any excessive movements with their heads or bodies but are hyper-aware of the traffic and objects around them. When something unexpected happens, they don't freak out or have an exclamatory reaction; they just adjust and continue on. They own the road but since everyone thinks that way, they are always on their toes.


I'm not touting myself to be awesome like they are -- merely that I share some characteristics and a mindset with them:


a.) Pedestrians are not holy or esteemed (yeah!!!). They need to be aware of me as much as I am aware of them and share the responsibility of being smeared on the pavement if that occurs. Cars here don't stop or wait for pedestrians, they just move around them, and pedestrians know to move quickly and in the same direction they have been going lest they get a face full of windshield. It's a tacit and wonderful understanding. Flow is maintained.


b.) Traffic Lines -- As the preeminent Ellen Wieman once commented regarding the lane lines in Taiwan, it so happens to apply here as well: They're just suggestions. If you have a small car and want to pass two other small cars blocking you in two lanes, just go in between them. No harm, no foul, no birds being flipped. Flow is maintained.


c.) Red light? Meh. -- Why wait eons at an inefficient signal? I can't tell you how many times I've been at lights where it's green for the cross-traffic of which there is none. I look down the long road of on-coming traffic to the point where I can see the blurry, shimmering mirages on the pavement, but not a single car. Yet I have to sit there and wait? (Well, I waited 98% of the time.) I haven't really seen laypeople do this but if you're a taxi or bus driver here and you're at a red light with no cross-traffic moving or oncoming, you just go. Nobody cares. It's expected. Flow is maintained.


When these same Koreans try to apply their driving prowess in the States, they are called "crazy," "bad" or just "Asian drivers" but this is because they are out of their element. When surrounded by those of like-mind, incredible things happen. No one defers to anyone. Things just blend. They even know how to merge here and, I hate to admit, it is a skill at which we woefully suck.

Sadly, I will never drive here. As much as I miss my car and I miss driving, my police officer cousin has forbidden me to even think about it. I actually think I could do well here since I have realized that I am of like-mind in terms of my attitude, but I think my cousin is right. If I were to get into an accident here, it would be too much of a pain to deal with, given my status as a foreigner. Public transportation is too cheap and easy to consider getting my own car and paying the astronomical gas fees (pretty much double that of Cali). I do drive aggressively (though not considered aggressive by the standard here -- just "normal") but I am sure my driving life in Cali has tempered me a little and I would actually try to obey traffic laws here. That's no fun. Nor is it desirable.

I shall continue to drive vicariously through bus No. 1-1 and 15. I salute you, you paragons of traffic athleticism.  What, you just clipped that old lady? She knew what she signed up for when she walked out of her house. Flow is maintained.

Next time...Honoring the Moon. 

Fat Lies and Korean Comedies

I was completely fooled. I believed so wholeheartedly that I allowed the wool to be firmly pulled over mine eyes. As it often is the case when you put your innocent faith in something only to have that faith shatter and rain down its broken shards atop your bowed head, so was I thus deflated...

This was not the pasta sauce I was looking for. I don't care what it says on that there label. When I heated it up and poured it over my perfectly al dente bow tie pasta, expecting a tomato-y meat sauce, as it claims to be, I was instead met with something oily, protein-y and dog food-y. You know what should have tipped me off? Right above the fine print (also an indicator) where it says "Fresco Spaghetti Sauce" are the Korean words saying "10% beef and 7% pork." 

WHAT THE HELL IS THE OTHER 83%?!?!

It sure ain't spaghetti sauce, I'll tell you what. Y'all know how it sucks when you're expecting one taste but you get another? Well, this other taste wasn't even edible. I had to throw half of it away. 



Onto other news: So, I've gone to see two Korean movies since I've been here. They were both comedies. And since I've seen two, I feel I now have the right to make grand, sweeping generalizations about Korean movies, at least the comedy genre.

1.) There is always, ALWAYS one (typically fat and doofy looking) idiot in the cast of characters that is constantly bungling and serves to drive the plot along with, well, his bungling. 

case in point, this guy:

2.) The main plot revolves around a HUGE misunderstanding which perpetually becomes a bigger misunderstanding.
3.) The "funny" comes as a result of pratfalls and physical humor the likes of which was perfected over 30 years ago by one John Ritter during his stint in Three's Company.
4.) There's no shortage of awkward side characters that do and say weird things just to add random humor.
5.) High propensity toward fart jokes and/or actual farting, preferably right in someone's face.
6.) The antagonist is a prototypical "evil" guy (a bomber, bank robber, etc) that the main characters get mixed up with.
7.) Utter lack of actual wit or sarcasm in the writing.
8.) Always a cute/hot girl added into the mix for ogling. Most of the ogling is done by the surrounding male characters which often leads to more misunderstandings and/or pratfalls.


I won't paint so broadly in my generalization so as to include Korean tv sitcoms. As a matter of fact, I've actually seen a couple of sitcoms that had very witty characters. But, for some reason, the big screen comedies here seem to go for the lowest common denominator. Not that American comedies don't do that as well (I'm looking at you, "Dumb and Dumber," "Happy Gilmore," and "White Chicks"). I actually enjoyed the former but I knew going into it that there would be scatological humor up the butt -- pun intended. Sorry, Lisa (regarding "White Chicks").


On the flip side, have you guys seen the Korean action/drama "The Man From Nowhere" ("아저씨")? I have no idea why it was translated into "The Man From Nowhere" but whatever works. It's kinda like a cross between Denzel Washington's "Man on Fire" and "The Professional." I highly recommend it. It was released in the US last year and did relatively well so I know there's an English subtitled version out there. 


No fart jokes in that movie, though. Sorry.


Next installment...Technology and Harvest Moon Time

This Post's For You, You No-Facebook-Having-Social-Network-Shunning Techie

Hi Richard,

Most everyone else has seen these photos but, you know....

Apt. before furnishing (well, just minus bed, hung up clothing, and kitty):

Improved apt. with bed, a mini futon/couch, and wee wittle kitty-tat:

And now...more Isa!

You can clearly see the sharp bend of her broken tail here...
  :-(

She has already alleviated a lot of loneliness. Not sure I would have been able to sleep at all had she not been here with me the first night -- not that I got much sleep anyway since she's like a baby and only sleeps 2 hours at a time. The rest of the time I had to endure her walking on me, licking my nose, or batting my eyelashes because she thought it was funny that they moved as I blinked. There's never a dull moment with her and when she is not spazzing out and tearing around the place, she only wants to be nearby, sleeping on my shoulder, chest or lap and purring her little tiny purr.

Thankfully, my apt. is only a pleasant 15 minute walk from work (or a 5 minute bus ride) so I can go home for lunch to feed her and myself. She comes when I call her and is a talker, even though her mews are tiny and slight, like she is.

I hope you get to meet her, whether it's when you come to visit or when I bring her back home with me.

Next week: 5 days of vacation for Korean Thanksgiving (Chuseok)!! Yeah, I entertained the notion of flying home for 5 days (since I gain a day flying home) but immediately realized how crazy that'd be.