LIFE CHANGING IMAGES!!!!

So, I went shopping for some fruit tonight because I've been severely lacking due to the overabundance of otherwise spicy goodies of the decidedly non-fruity variety (see all previous photos of food). The local grocery store is located UNDER a hoity-toity department store. Yeah.

Anyway, as I was approaching the fruits and vegetables section, this is what mine eyes espied...also known as THE. BEST. GIFT. BOX. EVAR:

That's right. All Spam all the time. Other boxes with Spam had stuff that complemented Spam. Awesome.

On another note, I've been kinda missing pizza, especially since some people have been having First Class Pizza™ twice a week!! You know who you are, ya gluttons. It wouldn't be Korea if they didn't blasphemously slap some of their bbq style beef (bul-go-gi) onto something not theirs and then sell it. You know where I'm going with this. I found a pizza joint that did this very thing so I ordered it on half of it (left side):

Jumpin' Jehosephat, it was yummy! There goes the 5 pounds I lost (well, here comes, rather) from all that walking last week.  I leave you with the above images of beauty.

Until next time.
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Jen is currently listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIDN5a52pWk

The Perpetual Question and Country Bumpkins

So when I observed my first class last week, I introduced myself and asked the middle school kids if they had any questions for me.

A cute-as-a-button-round-faced-bowl-cut-having little girl with glasses raised her hand, eagerly.

"Yes, Kelly?"

"Are you married?"

"-.-"

The teacher of the class then advised me that it is usually the first thing they ask. Sigh.

"No, I'm not married. Thanks for playing. Any other questions?"

A little boy directly in front of me raised his hand into the air. Suffice it to say, he was adorable and was also donning a bowl cut.

"Hello, teacher, I am Ben and I am 9 years old."

I wanted to hug him and squeeze him and call him George.

"Thank you for introducing yourself so nicely, Ben. What is your question?"

"How old are you?"

"-.-"

The teacher turned to me and advised that that was the second most asked question.

"I'm 37 years old, Ben, Thanks much."

"Teacher! Teacher!"

"Yes, Ben."

 "My mom is also 37 years old."

I still wanted to squeeze him...but to a different end.

After we got those pleasantries out of the way, class went about as usual and I enjoyed watching the teacher-student interaction and thinking about what I needed to do to also be an effective teacher. I'm looking forward to this formal week of orientation so I can become more familiar with the curriculum and teaching styles of the staff.

On another note, this past weekend, I spent some time with cousins from my mom's side of the family. One (a police officer, named Chang-gyoon, male,age 41) I hadn't seen since I was 4 and the other (named Joo-hyun, female, age 38) when I last came to Korea in 1991. Since then, Joo-hyun had gotten married and moved from the relatively large city of Daegu to the hilly, green countryside of Chungcheon province. Chang-gyoon oppah*picked me up in Seoul and we both blindly went out into the country with only his car's navigation system to guide us. Here's what we saw along the way:

Yeah, boonies.

But pretty boonies

Hmm, that doesn't sound quite right. Anyway....

We finally arrived at my cousin's super cute, charming home. It rested atop a small hill, just past this...

A mountain ginseng farm. Sheesh. (p.s. it's also known as golden sansam, for really reals - that one's for you, fellow world of warcraftians).

So, just up the way was their quaint cottage, complete with swinging gate. I LOVE the old school look of the home's interior, especially the rice paper doors!

Their home, seemed to me, a place people would pay to come and stay for awhile, like a pension or a tucked away bed and breakfast. It was peaceful and lovely.

Below, from left to right, is my cousin Joo-hyun, her hubby, and my other cousin, Chang-gyoon:

Joo-hyun wanted to take me out to a seafood feast so we drove almost an hour into the nearest town and horked down on this spread. I can't even tell you what all the dishes are cuz, frankly, I had no clue what some of them even were...(those I did not eat)...

Dinner was finished off with seriously spicy seafood soup:

My portion had a big chunk of fish in it and after I cleaned off the bones, it looked like I was eating Alien Facehugger soup:

Chang-gyoon and Joo-hyun's husband drank a few beers during dinner so they decided it was better that we stay the night. Unfortunately, my cousin and her hubby were not prepared for visitors (since they never really have any) so we pretty much slept on the wooden floor with no bed roll or real mat of any kind. I thought I was Korean enough to handle it but I found out I'm a huge Western wuss-ball and I could NOT sleep on the hardwood floor. No position was comfortable so I just tossed and turned all night and listened to the crickets play their song outside the window.

The next morning, after a kick-ass meal prepared by Joo-hyun, we set off for Seoul again where I picked up my luggage. Chang-gyoon then drove me down to Pyeongtake where I will be staying for the next year or so. If it wasn't for him, I don't know how I would have gotten all my crap down here. It would have been much more of a hassle, that's for certain. He wouldn't even let me pay for anything...not even gasoline. So stubborn! I know, I should talk...but that means I know stubborn when I see it :-) I sneaked some bills into his glove compartment when he wasn't looking, though! Muahahahaha!

Since then, Chang-gyoon has called me every night to make sure I was not lonely, hungry, or had been robbed or abducted. It's extremely protective but also very sweet. It's nice to know someone has your back when you're in a strange land.

Next up: Teaching my first class!!

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*"Oppah" is the word for "older brother" which can be used for your actual older male sibling, other family members who are male and slightly older than you, or an unrelated male if  you have a liking for them and want to be cutesy -- this only applies if you're a young female.

OMG With The Walking and Other Random Shizz

It's no wonder obese people are a rarity here. It's difficult to get fat when you walk miles and miles a day just going to and from work. Not to mention a never-ending number of stairs you have to climb to get in and out of the subway stations. And then what do people do on the weekends? They go to the mountains to hike. A bit redundant, if you ask me.

Furthermore, you sweat your weight in water from the humidity (you sweat just from standing so...) + a relatively healthy diet of typical Korean fare = natural weight control. I haven't had soda or any sort of food resembling a burger, burrito, or anything fried since I've been here and, aside from Tony and Lisa mentioning their Taco Bell date night, I haven't really felt I was missing anything...yet. I'll tell you, though, the siren call of the meximelt was almost dizzying for a few moments. I would have inhaled that puppy if it was right in front of me.

Crap. Now I want one.

 Must. Distract. Myself.....

(Vader)Noooooooooooooooooooo.....

That thing is the size of my arm by the way. It's about $4.00.

How about this...

Those delectable, chocolatey, sugar-powdered thingies are huge chunks of chocolate bread. Each piece is about the size of 3 fists (why I'm using archaic measuring scales is beyond me). About a buck and some change for one of these and breakfast becomes the best thing ever. Wait, I take that back. Add THIS ---

Korean milk. I grew up drinking vats of this stuff before I came to America at age 4. It's why I'm not 4'11" like my mom. Korean milk tastes totally different than American milk. No, it doesn't taste more chinky! I don't even know what that means. Anyway, it's just more sweet and rich (even compared to full-blown full fat milk at home). I heart it so much. So this + the chocolate bread above was enough to set my phasers to awesome.

This one's for Lisa. CAAAAAAAAAKE....

Okay, moving on.

Here's what I had for lunch yesterday: Assorted mixed veggies and rice in hot bowl (dol-sote-bi-bim-bahp) and spicy-ass rice cake and ramen (la-boke-ggi). no, the menu did not say "spicy-ass." Total cost, $7. I'm getting better at taking a picture before the food is already in my gullet.

For lunch today, my cousin and I went to eat Donburi, which is a Japanese style rice bowl. I guess I spoke too soon about the picture-taking thing because I scarfed my pork cutlet and egg bowl down before I realized I didn't take a shot of it. /Fail. Here's the front of the restaurant to make up for it.

.

Cute, huh? It's even cuter when the Korean staff speak Japanese to try and make it an "authentic" experience. It would be more authentic if they talked sh*t about Japanese people and how much they hate them for all the raping and pillaging they did to the country. I guess it's not the most appetite-inducing convo, though.

I've been in Korea for a full week now and I hadn't stepped one foot inside a karaoke room (noreh-bang). For shame. So my cousin decided to oblige me and took to me one in Apgujeong that was decorated quite...um...

 

Wtf with the pillows and mirror? The rooms were all decorated like this; all frilly and lacy and pink...y. That's my cute cousin, btw, Josh Dupuis. Come and get her :-)

They had quite a large selection of English songs so I did my usual line up plus a couple of Korean songs that I tried hard to learn before coming here. We were only there for an hour but, between the two of us, we cranked out at least 20 songs.

On the way back home on the bus, I passed this store:

It's a cell phone store and the sign actually says "Pone Mah Tuh" (Phone Mart) cuz,  you know, Koreans have no access to the "F" or "Ph" sound. But, the way it's written, it could also be read as "Porn Mart." I personally choose to read it as "Pwn Mart." Big ups to my gamers in da house.

I went to meet with my recruiter tonight in another part of town. As I was waiting for him to get me outside the subway exit, I saw the prototypical Korean chick standing about. Just so you know, in Korea, as long as you show no cleavage at all, you can wear a skirt so short that it barely covers your undercarriage and other bits. However, I took this picture to reference my previous blog post about skinny bitches. I painted in a stick as a comparison point for the size of her legs.  Yeah, it's yellow on purpose. Anyway, she's the norm.

Tomorrow, my cousin on my mom's side is picking me up in a cop car! It helps that he's a cop. He's driving me down to meet up with another cousin of ours from my mom's side of the family so we can all have lunch. I haven't seen my cousin Chang Gyoon (the cop) since I was 4 so that will be a hoot. He used to play with me when I was little since he's only a couple of years older than I am. I remember he used to take my toys and tease me. He'll get his tomorrow. 

Next time: Nine-Year-Olds and Their Stupid Questions

Sunshine and Accents

For the first time since I've arrived, the sun has peeked through the clouds and made its glorious appearance today. Once that little crack was made in the gloomy canopy, the sunshine tore through as if the clouds could no longer restrain the crushing weight of it any longer.  I'm not affected by weather much ( see Seasonal Affective Disorder); as a matter of fact, I quite enjoy cloudy, rainy days. But, I must admit, seeing the sunshine literally brightened my day. On top of this, Satan's crotch seems to be less inflamed today and humidity is low! I actually walked from my cousin's apt to this here Starbucks (20 min walk) without breaking into a sweat!

So, the other day, I was in a different cafe and I saw that the menu had both Korean and English. I approached the cashier and said, "I would like the hazelnut-flavored vanilla latte, please."

She looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm sorry, what would you like?" she asked me in Korean.

I repeated myself. "The hazelnut-flavored vanilla latte." I was reading it right off the menu, as written.

Again, deer in headlights.

"Aye wood-uh rike duh hay-gel-nuttuh play-bor bun-eela lah-tteh, preeze."

"That will be 5,400 won, thank you." she replied in Korean easily.

o.O

This country will NOT do this to me. I cannot believe I had to severely fob-ify English words in order for them to understand me. Why even write it in English, then?!

Even if it kills me, the children I teach WILL be able to distinctly pronounce the words "eat" and "it" and they will not add an extra syllable after every consonant, thereby making them sound retarded. For example, the word "class," though one syllable, can be up to three syllables in Korean: "kuh-rah-suh."

This I swear by the Suh-Tah-Zuh!

Does Korean Food Taste Better in Korea? HELLZ YES.

So far, my foodie experience has been faboo -- as expected.  Thankfully, I heart Korean food and they seem to do that particular cuisine pretty well here in...well...Korea.

My uncle, before he left for Ulsan on Sunday (where he spends the weekdays at his hospital -- he has a home there), asked me what I wanted to eat most now that I was here. Before I could stop myself, I replied, "Samgyupsal."  For those of you who have never heard of it nor had it, it's a very thick (supposed to be, anyway) cut of pork belly that shows three layers of the meat: flesh, fat, flesh. "Samgyupsal" translates to "three layers of meat/flesh." At first glance, I suppose it could be thought of as just a thick cut of bacon but it's oh so much more, dear friends.  It's an uncured, juicy piece of porky heaven and a carnivore's delight (sorry, Sam). Nothing gets in the way of the unadulterated pork flavor, mostly due to the tender layer of fat.

We went out for a late lunch and so the restaurant was not crowded when we arrived. Maybe some of you have seen it, but while I was in the States, I had always cooked my meat on a flat grill of some sort. This table was fashioned with a polished metal disc that looked like a lid for a huge pot. I was pleased to find that the meat was cooked directly on top of its lightly oiled grandeur. The pork was cut super thick; way more thick than any I had ever seen back home. This made me a happy camper.

Served along with the meat, as usual, was an array of side dishes of the vegetable variety (some spicy, some not), different soups, salad, rice, lettuce and sesame leaves to use as wraps and cold buckwheat noodles to fend off the heat. I was in heaven:

Along with the pork, there were raw cloves of garlic and large slices of mushrooms and onions to slap on the grill in order to accentuate the meat as they co-existed and cooked together. I barely got my camera out in time to take this picture before we were about to annihilate the last remaining pieces.I know you wanna go get some now.  Go on...run to your nearest Korean restaurant and have at it. You'll thank me later.

Today, my lovely cousin took me to Insadong, largely a tourist area with many souvenir shops and rows and rows of street food, it is also a bustling arts. crafts, and pottery district. Even though it was raining pretty hard, people were still out in droves. I suppose when it rains this much, people just treat it like any other day.

I also got to see my very first Korean demonstration (protest):

I guess some property conglomerate bought land out from under some residents in order to build a huge mall (isn't that just the way?) and they were speaking out against it. No tear gas or rubber bullets were fired in the making of this demonstration.

There's a Starbucks here that is the only one in all of Korea that doesn't actually say "Starbucks" on the storefront. Because this merchant street is historical (it's 500 years old) and there have been protests to keep it from modernizing, the signage on storefronts are mostly, if not all, in korean....even if the store has an English name. So, this particular Starbucks location asked special permission to allow the name to be written in Korean, rather than English. The corporation obliged (please excuse my FOB pose...I'm being assimilated):

My cousin and I continued to make our way in the rain, weaving through a back street and tiny, narrow alleys, guided only by our noses. Finally, we came across a traditional sit-down restaurant. By "sit-down" I mean you sit on the floor at a low table, not in chairs. For a measly $6, I had eight side dishes and a delicious beef stew (imagine the yummy, meaty sweetness you get when you eat bul-go-gi -- BUT NOW IN STEW FORM!) served in a hot pot.  I am going to do my darndest to remember where this little hole-in-the-wall joint is so that when you guys come to visit me, I can take you there!

Yeah, that's just me at the low table before the food came. There is no picture of the food. I horked it down too eagerly to even think about taking a picture of it. I suck. If this was a food blog, I'd be ashamed.

Next time, on omgwtfbbqkorea, "Walking more in one week than I have in the past year and what the hell is up with that?!"

Skinny Bitches and Monsoon Jogs

I went to the very famous (well, in Korea anyway) DongDaeMun Shopping Center as well as the CoEx Mall yesterday. They are both vast and filled with eye-candy (and if you know me, you know I don't mean the amazing physical appearances of the opposite sex). I mean lots of electronics, clothing, and other shiny toys that appeal to the ADHD shopper in all of us.  It must be said that the clothes here are WAY cuter than in the States and most, if not all, clothing stores (especially at DongDaeMun) are boutique-y.

What's the let down? The size range. They don't really have one. They have SKINNY, SKINNIER, or YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE ME ANYMORE WHEN I TURN 45 DEGREES TO THE SIDE. If you ask if they carry larger sizes, they laugh and then stop themselves short when they see the expression on your face and realize you're not kidding.

Shoes. I wear size 9's. Their max size is 7. And people wonder why I brougth 12 pairs of shoes with me.

Although I do see more curvy women now than I did back in 1991, which was the last time I was in Korea, it's still obvious that the market caters to the majority, which is understandable. Everywhere I turn, they all look the same...and I'm not even joking this time with the whole "all Asians look alike" thing.  It's an exception to find someone who's larger than a US size 2. I saw one young lady who was a little larger than I and I tried to make eye contact with her so we could commiserate in our inability to blow our money in large chunks. Ah well, at least there's tons of accessories I could...wait, I have fat fingers!

On another note, I was woken up by my uncle this morning at 7:00am. I have NO business being up at that hour regardless of what country I happen to be in at the time. This is how that exchange went:

Uncle: Inhyung (that's my Korean name), are you awake?

Me: ...

Uncle: Inhyung...are you up?

Me: ...

Uncle: Inhyung...you awake yet?

Me: Yes, uncle, I'm up.

Uncle: Oh good, you're awake...

Me: (groooooaaaaan)

Uncle: Wash your face and come with me. We're going running.

Me: *Of all that is holy and decent in the world...*

He took me to this area right behind the apartment complex and, to my delight, even though it was already friggin' 80 degrees at 7:30am, I was met with the view of a lovely trail that was carved alongside the roaring river. I was immediately invigorated. Then it started pouring. I mean POURING. It went from nothing to buckets in a matter of seconds. A few steps later and I was soaked; my tennis shoes were leaking water from whatever I displaced each time I took a step. But I was loving it. The trail was lush and green and I was running/walking with my uncle (who reminds me a lot of my dad in a lot of ways) in a torrential downpour. Ever since I could remember, I've loved the rain and, moreover, I've loved walking in it with no umbrella. To me, we were creating a special memory and my uncle seemed to know it, too. We talked about my dad and I realized just how much my uncle was really fond of my dad/his older brother. I could tell you my uncle was crying while we walked but he'd say it was just the rain streaming down his face.

Next blog entry: Is eating Korean BBQ in Korea more tasty than eating it in the States?  HELLZ YES.

I Do Not Thinka It Means What You Thinka It Means -- Inigo Montoya

...unless they're going to re-enact the entire movie on this stage. if so, inigo and i stand corrected.

And this is why I'm here....

Demonic Nether Regions and Husbands

The weather here is evocative of satan's crotch.  i'll bet when he wakes up in the morning, it's just as hot, dank and oppressive in his groinal area as it when i wake up here in my cousin's bedroom. just a guess.
here's a short snippet of my convo with my cos before going to bed last night:

cousin: your bedspread is all set out for you.

me: thanks!

cousin: there's a blanket for you, too.

me: TCH!

cousin: what?

me: i scoff at thee, blanket! *points at blanket and scoffs*

cousin: *english equivalent of "huh?"*

me: erm, i don't need one.

cousin: you'll catch a cold.

me: bring it! i'll take anything that has the word "cold" in it.

i woke up briefly in the middle of the night and when i turned over , i saw my cousin bundled up in a huge comforter. WTF. 

gonna rewind a bit and talk about the huge, steaming pile of drama i stepped in last night. i'm still trying to scrape it off my shoe even as i type this.

my 12 hour flight was actually very smooth and uneventful; some pockets of turbulence here and there but that was to be expected. i watched 3 movies back to back (date night, red riding hood, and kung fu panda 2) and played tetris the rest of the way there so it was all good. after landing, going through immigration and customs and exchanging some cash, i found my cousin waiting for me and we got on the road to her parent's place. first it was an hour long bus-ride (which turned into 2 hours because of traffic) and then a 20 minutes taxi ride after that. by the time we stepped into the house, it was 3 hours after i had landed; i was exhausted and a little nauseous from the stop and go, jerky bus ride. we were also very wet from the short 40 feet we had to traverse between the cab and the door with my luggage in tow while it was torrentially pouring. did i mention it was hot, sticky and pouring rain? great combo.

shortly thereafter, while i was taking the coldest and most awesome shower of my life, i heard my cousin getting into a huge row with my aunt. when i thought it couldn't get worse, they started to scream at each other. the hot topic was marriage...more specifically, why my cousin had a lack of it. you see, when you're in korea and you're an unmarried woman over the age of 25, there's something horribly wrong with you.  my cousin is educated and very pretty...but she's 36 years old and single, thereby the bane of her parents' existence.

they've been setting her up with sons of friends or acquaintances for the past 3 years...sometimes 3 or 4 guys a week, if you can believe it. just thinking about that sort of schedule makes me want to crawl under a blanket (back home, not here). my cousin WANTS to get married more than anything else so it's not like she's against it or anything. but, apparently, the men she's being set up with are, in a word, losers. one straight up told her that he wanted her to support him financially. another asked her if she was still capable of becoming pregnant and if she had taken a fertility test recently. yet another told her that if she didn't want to marry him after their first date, then he didn't want to waste his time with her. all these dudes need to be falcon-punched in the back of the neck.

my cousin did find someone she was  a bit interested in and dated him for a month. unfortunately, she just broke up with him a few days ago because he had lied to her about something major. my aunt heard about it and promptly set my cousin up for another "meeting" for the following day. my cousin, still sad from the dissolution of a potential relationship, said she needed a break.  but my aunt proceeded to tell my cousin that she was being too picky and if she didn't want to get married that she should get her things and get out of the house.

this was the last straw for my cousin and, as i was stepping out of the shower, she blurted, "my mom just threw me out of the house. we're leaving and going to a hotel."

"oooookay..."

the next series of events between my aunt and cousin were right out of a korean drama. there was pushing, shoving, and yelling a scant few inches away from each other's faces with a stare-down contest thrown in for good measure. then my uncle came home. fuuuuuuuuuuu.....

my uncle is a surgeon and had been working 14 hours and had spent the last 3 hours in traffic. he was in no mood to broker any lip from my cousin whether she had a valid point or not. so when he was greeted with cat-fighting as soon as he walked in the door, he lost his sh*t, too. the chough men are a hotheaded lot and my uncle was doing a good of job proving this genetic trait correct. the fact that they were doing this sort of thing in front of me, a guest, only added to my uncle's rage. if you didn't know this already,  losing face is huge to us orientals (that one's for you, lisa).

so. there i was: sleep-deprived, exhausted, confused, having a panic attack that rivaled The Great 3am Meltdown Of 2004, and trying to keep my uncle from beating my cousin into a messy pulp. yes, corporal punishment of children by their parents is alive well here, whether the "child" is 5 or 55 years old. i suggested that i take my cousin out to cool off for a few hours and that was tacitly agreed upon by all parties. i took my laptop with me in hopes that i would get a few minutes break when my cousin invariably had to go to the bathroom so i could update everyone of my safe arrival (this did happen).

the only thing that was open at that hour was a hoity-toity bar/lounge about 10 minutes away by taxi.  korea is relatively safe but even i didn't feel comfortable with just the two of us walking around in the wee hours like that.  i wasn't in the most optimal state of mind to even attempt to fend anyone off should something like that happen so i was very uneasy. we hung out at this bar/lounge until 1am (9am PST) until she had calmed down. folks, it was so surreal.  there i was in a bar in korea that was doing its best to emulate an upscale american lounge (pretty much by charging $55 for a SINGLE GLASS of non-descript red wine) with a big white dude in a white linen suit playing perry cuomo on the grand piano a few feet away as my cousin was venting about her crazy mother and equally crazy prospective husbands. meanwhile, i was trying to update facebook about my arrival status while the theme to "the twilight zone" was weaving through the waning, yet still semi-conscious parts of my brain. 

we got back to my cousin's place 30 minutes later and i breathed a sigh of relief when i saw that all the lights were out in the house. i subsequently jumped 10 feet in the air when, out of the corner of my eye, i espied the dark outline of my aunt sitting alone on the couch in her nightgown. it was straight out of stephen king's "carrie" minus the large kitchen knife and the "they're all gonna laugh at you" mantra. apparently she was waiting up for us to make sure we got home safely. i could have done without the creepiness, though. turn a light on, woman!

so, that was my first evening in korea. good times. i am happy to report that i am less queasy and less panicky today. aside from waking up a few times to see my cousin bundled up in a comforter, which led to a few snorts of incredulity, i slept well and felt much better this morning. once i got on the internet, i chatted with my mom for a while on skype and had tons of encouraging and supportive emails to read which made my day. thanks, friends, for reaching out half a world away. i know it will get better but, man, what a way to start!

the next installment of this blog will be about today's trip to the very popular and trendy dongdaemun shopping center which will aptly be titled "skinny bitches."  and now, i'll be stepping out of starbucks and back into satan's tighty-whities.

p.s. the price of coffee (a la coffee bean or starbucks) is about 35% higher here than in the states.  starting petition to replant some rice fields with coffee beans.

p.p.s. big thanks to my mom for not aspiring to the level of marriage nazi that my aunt has achieved.